Mask of the Hidden
Dark eyes watch
The ticking of the clock
Those eyes, black holes
That forever
Watch
The ticking of the clock
Red lips soft and round
Never whisper for they are bond
Those lips that never part
But curve like a river of roses
Around white teeth that never show
Those red lips soft and round
So round
Too bad they are bond
A nose perfect as if in art
It’s arch without a mark
That nose a cavern and a cave
With a darkness only penetrated by light
But not in the darkness of the night
That nose a passage to the thoughts
Unheard by those around
A nose with a slight arch
Just a mark
As if in art
Hair like a curtain of the night
Dark and free with out fright
Of the fall that is to come
That hair so cold
As cold as stone
That hair a curtain
To the black unknown
That hair a mystery to those around
That hair of night
With its freedom and fright
Ears with chains dangling free
With charm like keys
Ears parading gold and silver
With lines against a curtain of night
Ears round as rolling hills
Covered by that ivory skin
Those ears with beads, bangles, and chains
Dangling free
With charm like keys
Skin, white as snow, untouched by kiss
Pale, though not amiss
Ivory skin, soft and clean
Like a white streak in a curtain of night
That skin so white with a hint of blue
That skin
Untouched by that kiss
Because she had not wondered amiss
Mask of beauty
Mask of Glamour
Mask of Pain
Mask of Plainness
Mask of Protection
This mask
The mask of the hidden
The east and west come together
To form the great abyss
Of those black holes
To create the up and down points of that river
To create the banner of those bangles
The north and south come together
To form its perfect features
That rest in the fire light of the full moon
The mask of the hidden
Is for those who feel pain
But cannot rid themselves of it
North, south, east, and west
Come together at last
So that the mask of the hidden
May lick her rosy lips for the first time
So that the beauty in her boldness
And the glamour of her features
The pain in her eyes
The plainness in her smile
And the protection of her shell lives in
Live on child
The mask of the hidden lives on
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Please R&R, any comments, good, bad, nice, harsh, it is all welcome.
Hey! I remember this!!! You showed it to me the last Christmas I was at your guys's house. I still like it a lot. And I really wasn't bored by it...maybe I'm just biased since you're family...
Anyway, I commend you on it. I enjoyed it a lot.
[Caitlin]
I liked this, especially the structure of the first verse, which I thought was written beautifully. You're rhyming and flow works well and I like your slight repetition. The imagary works well in some places, although it does lack in others, so maybe you should revise this?
Altogether though, I think you have a true talent and would be happy to be informed when your other piece of poetry has been edited back on here, so I can see if that is as good as this.
=]
Yes I agree, I was getting a little bored by the end.
You have some great writing skills, I think you just need to cut it down a bit. There was a bit too much description in it, and sure you really captured the facial features, but try to capture it with a little less.
The east and west come together
To form the great abyss
Of those black holes
To create the up and down points of that river
To create the banner of those bangles
The north and south come together
To form its perfect features
That rest in the fire light of the full moon
The mask of the hidden
Is for those who feel pain
But cannot rid themselves of it
North, south, east, and west
Come together at last
So that the mask of the hidden
May lick her rosy lips for the first time
So that the beauty in her boldness
And the glamour of her features
The pain in her eyes
The plainness in her smile
And the protection of her shell lives in
Live on child
The mask of the hidden lives on
But curve like a river of roses
Hair like a curtain of the night
Like a white streak in a curtain of night
there is a lot in this poem. a lot that you are expressing. to be honest, i got a little bored by the middle of it because of its length and constant repetition.
i think you should pick a few of the images you give to us in this poem and use those as your repetition. you refer to a lot of different things in your poem throughout your poem and it's hard to keep track of it all.
hope this helps. good luck!
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